The Conspiracy Guys

“People love conspiracy theories.”
Neil Armstrong


The Conspiracy Guys

I love conspiracies, I think that they are fun. Remember reading that Neil Armstrong heard a distinct thump when he landed on the moon, suggesting that it is hollow? Or that the Nazi’s saved Hitler’s nose so that he could be cloned in later years?

All conspiracies have the same hook. It is “they are out to get you”. Every single one is based on infusing you with fear; some fun but some not so fun. Aliens walk among us is pretty fun, I like that one. The Aliens are out to get you!

We’ve listened to Rush Limbaugh for years. He is a conspiracy guy. His hook is that “they are out to get you” and at his microphone it is the democrats. They have a plan worthy of Professor Moriarty and only he, Rush, can ferret it out. They are after your guns, your rights, your America, your patriotism; all the things that make you good.

When Trump rose to power, we discovered a whole bunch of guys. The Brietbart News and Alex Jones guys, all hiding in the same corner of the internet. Who are these bozos, we asked. They stepped into the light and said “We are the Alt-Right”.

The Alt-Right is an alternative form of the right, the conservative and Republican side. By hitching themselves to a solid and strong people, it gave them some legitimacy. Oddly, the Right didn’t protest. I can’t figure that out.

When we looked closer at the “they are out to get you” guys, it turned out that they were white supremist disguised as conspiracy guys disguised as the Alt-Right. Pretty clever!

Then a really odd thing happened. The white supremist claimed that if there is an Alt-Right, then there has to be an Alt-Left! Totally ignoring that the Alt-Right was really in disguise as conspiracy guys who were really white supremist. They said that the Alt-Left was “antifa” meaning anti-fascist.

So, we looked for the Alt-Left. But there were no guys hiding in the dark over there.
“There must be a political balance”, said Sean Hannity, one of the highly-paid conspiracy guys. The Dark State! Black Lives Matter! MeToo! THEY, said Sean, are all out to get you. So, keep listening and be afraid.

But, the deal is that there isn’t a conspiracy. If you wanted to make up one of your own, start with “they are out to get you”, and suddenly those people you claim have a secret plan are the enemy and not to be trusted.

Once upon a time, I was in Hollywood with some friends. We decided to go to a gay bar to dance the night away and have some fun. One guy balked, he said that the gay men would be out to “get” him. I said, “Look at you, you are fat and balding and dressed like a slob; what makes you think that you are a prize?”. It shut him up and I felt bad; but the point is there.

I guess that for some it is better to think that they are out to get you than finding that no one cares about you at all.

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