One Time With God
NB: The following is a story of fiction and fantasy.
This is a story with two beginnings.
The first is In The Beginning when God said, “Let there be light”. That story goes from there to Adam and Eve, then to the Old Testament with that whole story, onto the life and death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, then to Pentecost and the First Century church and the Age of Grace.
The second started in 1976. It was then that I began to study and being taught about the Bible and Christianity. I called Jesus my Lord and believed that God had raised him from the dead. It was a wonderful time and I enjoyed it very much. It’s hard to believe that it was forty years ago, it seems like yesterday.
One thing that had always bothered me was the question, “What happened to the First Century church?”. The Book of Acts describes all kinds of cool things happening; signs, miracles and wonders. Those guys could run super fast or take a portal to a new place. And there was healing, a lot of healing. And then it stopped. What happened?
I asked my teachers and church leaders again over the many decades since 1976. One guy told me that the Disciples were special people who had hung out with Jesus when alive. I called baloney on that. The Bible says that God is no respecter of persons (Romans 2:11). This means that God does not favor one person over another. These were ordinary guys and that was kind of the point, fishermen.
Another guy told me that they had these super powers until the Bible was written. He said that the Word of God was so powerful that that kind of stuff was no longer needed. I called baloney on that too. The Word of God is his promises inside the book, not the book itself.
Unsatisfied, I’ve wondered about that a lot. What happened? Why can’t we have that stuff today? The Bible says that we are sons of God and have power. We are promised an abundant life. I think that we should have that stuff but that we are not doing it right.
A few years ago, I imagined what that would be like in today’s time. We had read of water into wine and walking on water and healing and teleporting. But that was a long time ago. A person today could put his hand on an electricity outlet and fill up the entire grid for a city, perhaps.
What if, I wondered, if I were that first guy to unlock the answer? My imagination then ran like a spy thriller. One man trying to get the word out without being captured by the FBI or the Russians. Do you go to MIT and show the scientists or visit a cancer ward and act as an anonymous doorman, healing all who enter. It was a rough idea believe me.
I’m an old guy and nothing to look at. My hair is white now and there are aches from a long full life. One of the best things about right now, is that I have time to think. A casual observer might call it napping but be assured that there are some deep thoughts happening.
Two things happened back to back. I wrote a blog post for the Profound Bartender; something that I write with my brother, on prayer and God’s free will. The other was another posting on the very first lesson in the Bible learned from the Garden of Eden. That lesson was to not add to God’s word. In Eve’s case, it was with the best intentions and yet it led to the downfall from grace.
I sat up in my chair. The answer was obvious why the First Century church lost their powers. They had built churches!
Everything must be stripped away, two thousand years of additions and ideas. Rosary beads, gone. Prayer books, hymnals, popes, pastors, reverends, nuns, deacons, cardinals, crosses, doves, original sin, incense, dawn services, cathedrals, stained windows, the little brown church in the vale, mass, Easter, lent, Christmas, confirmation, confession, Christian rock, hail Marys, two year missions, candle light services, revival tents, holy rollers and even St. Christopher medals. It all had to go.
None of the above are in the bible anywhere.
For Christianity to work again, one must look at it bare bones and stop the very human tendency to add to the stuff. The lesson is right there in the Bible.
To get down to bedrock,
two verses say it all:
Romans 10:9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
No more, no less.
John 16:23 And in that day ye shall ask me nothing. Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, he will give it you.
One prays to God in the name of Jesus Christ.
Get born again, start to do stuff.
There are rules, you can not weaponize God. You can not break free will. But, I don’t think parting the Red Sea as a miracle is off the table. Look at the things done; teleporting, super-fast running, walking on water, water to wine and healing. A lot of healing.
It was time to do it!
Boldly, I stood up in my apartment. I waved my hand in a circle three times like Doctor Strange in the Marvel movie. “Make me a portal!”
I guess it would help if I had someplace in mind. My first thought was Jaddie, my guild leader in the World of Warcraft. I’d spoken with her a while ago.
I once again gestured with my hand, “Make me a portal!”
Then, without another thought, I simply took a step forward. An act of faith. Instantly I was standing in the living room in Jaddie’s house. Her husband was there and so was her teen-aged son. They were shocked! I appeared out of nothing right into their house.
I felt horrible and embarrassed. I’d not thought it through. I stammered an apology and stepped back into my apartment. Sitting down and lighting a cigarette, I knew I’d have to apologize again when I saw her in WoW. Then I sat back and smiled: it worked.
I knew that it was man who had messed up Christianity. Even while knowing and trying to strip away all of the extras, I had tried to use gestures. It would be hard not to add to the things of God spelled out so cleanly in the Bible.
I sat back and started to plan but What’s Up Doc? was on the TCM channel. That’s a great movie with Barbara Streisand and Ryan O’Neal. It is really funny and was the first movie with Madeline Khan, she started right there with a funny part. I made some popcorn and sat up late into the night.
What I was about to do would change the world. Or it wouldn’t.
Free will is a powerful thing. You can’t ask God to change someone else’s mind. There is one group of people to whom this does not apply. Babies. They are not old enough to understand.
I stood up and took a step, an act of faith. I stepped into the children’s ward at my local hospital. I was going to, through God, perform a miracle. I was going to heal the babies.
I asked God to stop time. It was suddenly very quiet as the nurse’s and doctors froze in place. The babies were in my current time and I felt pain as I heard them crying.
The first baby, I put my thumb and forefinger into a very soft pinch on his toe. “Dear God, I thank you in the name of Jesus Christ for healing this baby.”
In the Bible, healing is always immediate and makes them “whole”. There is no recovery period. One of the first in the Book of Acts is by Peter who takes a crippled beggar in front of the church by the hand and pulls him to his feet, healing him. The man happily jumps and leaps into the church, whole.
Stephan had the crowd so wound up that as he walked through them, they only had to touch his garment to be healed. Later on, people only needed the shadow of Peter. This was healing at a massive level and it was beautiful and amazing.
Sometimes it is described as the “temperature of believing”. In the Book of Acts, many into the thousands at a time believed that they could be healed. Christians and non-Christians, they all got healed and made whole. Today, that temperature is very cold and low. I would need a miracle, the healing of these babies to slowly lift the temperature and get the message out.
I looked down at the healed baby and moved on to the next. “Dear God, in the name of Jesus Christ, I thank you for healing this baby” On around the room. About halfway, my emotions began piling up on me. I could hear the contrast of the crying children and the cleansed babies cooing and gurgling.
What a joy! The relief from pain. A wee one with a broken arm or a child born into addiction; God heals. I felt a tremendous sadness for all of the babies over the past two thousand years, knowing that God could have healed them to for want of a believer.
On to the next and then the next, I worked in a circle. Did God need me to go individually one by one? I doubted it, there could have been a single mass healing but for my own limitation in belief and imagination.
We can walk and chew gum. The human mind is like the score of a symphony, keeping track of each instrument as the composition moves along. I began to think about this miracle. I worried that people would come from all over the world to my home town, looking for healing and information and understanding. It could easily get out of hand.
Once I was done, I took a deep breath and asked God to start time again and I took a step forward into the children’s ward in Chicago. And then to London. Let it happen in three different places and hopefully avoid a massive migration of people.
All I needed, I felt, was three weeks. Three weeks until other Christians would get it and step up, then it would spread naturally. Theologians and smart Bible guys would get it and begin teaching.
But, I had to get the message out.
Home again and feeling both very good and a little tired, I looked up MSNBC. My first thought was to find a pastor of a church and show him and let the thing spread but I felt I needed a massive platform like cable news.
I called MSNBC and asked for Rachel Maddow. Of course, I didn’t get her. I got switched a few times until someone finally spoke, an intern perhaps.
“Tell Rachel to call me at this number. Very soon you will begin hearing of three miracles in the children’s ward at the hospitals. I’m the guy you want to talk to.”
I sat back. Andi Mack was on the Disney channel and I don’t want to miss an episode.
“Hello, this is Rachel.”
“Hello. I’m the guy that you want to talk to. My thought is that you come to my town. If they are interested, bring Joy Reid and Brian Williams and a camera guy. Maybe bring a body guard in case you think I’m nuts. And, I’d suggest that you bring the person who took this message. If any word gets out about our meeting, we could be mobbed. I think it is best to meet me, get the story and then let it be reported by you.”
“How do I know that you are anyone? Can you give me your name?”
“I’ll tell you what, in thirty minutes you will hear of another miracle. Name the city.”
“Seattle it is, call me back in an hour”.
I stood and stepped through into the children’s ward in Seattle. Now, after the first three, I was much more in control of my emotions and could hold in the tears.
One hour later, on the dot, I got the call.
“Hello, this is Rachel”.
“Hi. Convinced? Enough to take a chance?”.
“I thought you would be. I think this is the best way, you let me know. Book a suite at the Albuquerque Hilton for a week. Make it a smoking suite. I think that it’ll take only two or three days but there is a lot of information.”
“Why smoking? None of us smoke.”
“I do and I hate to offend. I also don’t want to be running down to street level every ten minutes. So, is this the best way?”
“What do you imagine?” she asked.
“You would do the big information show, Brian would interview me and Joy would report on our experience. Get stuff on camera, go back to your base and then report. Ideally, information would come out in three days, certainly no longer. C’mon Rachel, come get your Pulitzer.”
“I talked to them in this last hour. We’ll be there in 24.”
“I’ll meet you in the lobby. I’m an old guy who needs a haircut in a New York Yankees ball cap.”
“Can you give us a hint?”
“Sure, I smiled, “It is the Christian God.”
The news that night was mostly about the miracles. No one knew how it happened and there was a lot of guess work. Rachel and Brian and Joy all had replacements, I’d assume they were en route or packing and planning.
Twenty-four hours is a long time! I slept and had oatmeal for breakfast. I took a walk in the park. I packed my shoulder bag with smokes and my Bible. I paced a lot.
Finally, the time had come. I drove over to the Hilton and sat in the lobby. Deciding to dress the way I always dressed was important. I’d need to emphasize that it was not me but God doing the work. I am an everyday guy, like the fishermen in the Gospels.
Rachel, Brian and Joy walked in wearing their casual travel clothes. A blonde woman with a rolling equipment cart must be the camera guy. Another woman, short with brown hair and quick eyes, must be the one who answered the phone. No body guard, I was glad they trusted me. They all had a small rolling suitcase.
We met up and the brown-haired woman checked us all in. Once we got into the elevator, I began talking.
I told them my name. That I had been a casual Christian who figured out how to clean up all the extras that man had added. I re-enforced that I was just a guy but the first guy and it was important to get the word out so my story would go to them. They can look me up if they want, a fairly mundane life.
Albuquerque Hilton on the outside looks like a casino or any other stucco building. The inside is quite nice. We had bedrooms, a small kitchen area, a room with a couch and desks and a large television and an outside patio with furniture and barbeques.
We spread out in the room and put our stuff down on the tables. I wanted to get them moving right along, so I asked Rachel if she wanted to come with me.
“Rachel, do you want to see some babies get healed?”
I looked at the others, “We’ll be back in less than thirty minutes. Feel free to look up my Facebook or anything you want.”
“Now, Rachel, stand side by side with me. With our right foot, we are both going to step forward together”. I smiled, “Seriously.”
We stepped through into the children’s ward in Philadelphia. God stopped time for me.
In a quiet voice I said, “God has stopped time for us so that these babies can get healed. Mostly it is because I don’t want to be identified by the nurses. Stand, if you would, in the middle or follow me, I don’t care. I’d like some quiet but if you really want to ask a question, feel free.”
I stepped over to the first baby, my intention was clock-wise. No gestures, no showing off, this was business. “Dear God, I thank you in the name of Jesus Christ for healing this baby.”
I could hear her gasp as I went to the next. By the fourth baby, Rachel had tears streaming down her face. She is strong, there was no sobbing or noises. She was smiling in a vague way as she processed it all.
“Dear God, I thank you in the name of Jesus Christ for healing this baby.” Around the room I went and as always the crying of the babies blended over until they were all chuckling or sleeping content.
When I was done, I walked over to Rachel. I looked her in the eye and asked, “Do you believe that you can be healed?” She nodded.
“You don’t have to close your eyes but I do simply to concentrate. Dear Lord, I thank you in the name of Jesus Christ for healing Rachel. Make her eyes see clear, her hearing keen, her organs cleared, her spine strong, let all old scars be smoothed away. And God, if you could sprinkle just a little more charisma in the mix, she is my favorite newscaster.”
The charisma bit made her smile some as she straightened her stance, took a deep breath and felt wonderful. I could see her working through it all and about to form some questions so I asked quickly, “Do you have forty bucks?”
She nodded to me, still holding in the silence and, I think, the peace. We walked out of the ward and onto the street. I let time start up again and we were walking the busy streets of Philadelphia in the early evening.
“There is a sandwich shop across the street. What do you say we bring back some Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches for everyone? I mean, if you are in Philadelphia, you have to eat the food!”
We bought up ten sandwiches and, side by side with right foot forward, stepped back into the suite in the Albuquerque Hilton.
“We have sandwiches!”
There was a shocked gasp as we entered the room. They all crowded around us and I passed out the sandwiches. I sat at a table and let Rachel explain her adventure. She is very good at that kind of stuff.
Finally, sandwiches were done and I stood across the room alone to smoke a cigarette. As always, tobacco is a great tool if you want to be alone for a minute or two. I could feel them looking at me, wanting more.
“Brian, would you like to see some babies get healed?”
He looked surprised. He nodded and stepped up to me. To the others I said, “Each or any of you can go with me to witness this miracle. It takes about twenty minutes. Think of where you’d like to go.”
Brian and I did the right-foot-forward step into the Los Angeles children’s ward. I repeated the process as I had done with Rachel. Brian is an older man and looked quite spry when we returned. I took each of them, one by one after that. Joy and the brown-haired woman chose their home towns. The camera guy, the blonde woman, chose New York City so we could bring back some pizza. All six believed that they could be healed, it took about three hours.
The fun part was that everyone felt great. It is a relief to not have pain or fears of cancer or the aches of growing old. During the time spent, a table had been set up and the camera was set up too. Laptops were out. I’d asked for no phones or texting as things can be traced. They honored that wish.
There is something satisfying when a few hours had passed and I saw a trash can with pairs of glasses, contact cases and medicines tossed away. What a burden we carry with us every day that God gladly relieves.
The brown-haired girl was Gloria, one of Rachel’s producers. The blonde camerawoman was named Pam. I’d gotten their names when we went on the healing miracle together.
They allowed me a cigarette and I paced the back part of the suite. There was a lot of work to do. Thankfully, I’d taught this class before.
We sat down and I did a speed run through the Bible. I explained how God is spirit and showed them the verse. How we are body, soul and spirit but when Adam and Eve sinned the spirit was not in them anymore and I showed them where Paul explains the mystery and that it is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
I told them that the living soul is always breath life. And so on. But I kept coming back to Romans 10:9. I am not an evangelist, I told them and if they chose to follow the Christ and God, it was their own choice: I’d not be pushing at all. Not one bit.
And, for me the most important, was to let them know that I was nothing special. Any Christian could and would be soon doing these same things and many more; the need was to get the message out to the world. Cleanly.
I was to do the interview segment with Brian and Rachel wanted to go to the local NBC station in town to record a bit about her upcoming show. She would record it and send it to New York to start being shown tomorrow. In the mean time, there were lights pointed at the table and I learned a little about make up (which I hated) and we did the interview.
I understand the need for human interest. I did the best I could and was lucky to have one the best interviewing me. We talked about my story but I’d say that well more than half with about cleaning up man’s additions to the biblical information and how to be born again.
It was kind of weird to know that these shows would be seen over and over all over the world. Brian called me The Most Important Man in the World in his introduction. Like I said before, I figured it would be about three weeks. Then, maybe, I’d be that guy almost-forgotten and vaguely remembered. I sure hoped so!
The people in the room had energy. The healing was a big thing but only part of it. Their industry in doing the job was impressive to me; professionals at work with a big story and an exclusive.
Joy asked me what I thought would happen next.
“Well, I said, “I obviously don’t know. My hope is that after a few weeks that you guys do your reporting that some individuals pop up and start doing the same things. In general, the bulk of Christianity should just keep doing what they always have done; jobs, family, hobbies and add a little prayer.
The churches will take a beating but I’d guess many will continue. A lot of people will be very defensive for being wrong. I’d love to see the pope take off that silly pagan outfit and sell his papal ring and scepter to feed the people. We’ll have to see, the churches have made a lot of money selling God.
But life should improve. We will see signs, miracles and wonders on our planet again and in the best of ways. We need to be ever on the alert for man’s main weakness and that is, with the best of intentions, adding stuff to the basics until we drift again away from the power of God in our lives”.
We talked late into the night until we all finally agreed that sleep was needed. We all slept well and didn’t get up until the next morning. Rachel had some coffee sent up, first thing and no one even joked that we should have breakfast in Paris.
This time, Joy asked me what would happen next to me.
“Well, the television stations have been running non-stop about the miracles in the children’s wards. After your shows tonight, I’ll be a wanted man. At least until other Christians get it. I need to either lay low or go big.
What I’d like to do is two things. One is to make some money, I need a car that runs well.”
Brian smiled, “You gave away your exclusive for free”.
“I know and that was necessary. I’d like to have some fun and enjoy my fifteen minutes of fame. To go on some of my favorite talk shows would be a hoot. It would have to be set up super-secret or there would be mobs trying to get to me. Still, television is the best way to get the message out.”
Gloria, the producer, said, “You could put up a funding site right now and make millions, what are you thinking?”
“I’d like maybe twenty thousand dollars to buy a used Chevy truck and the insurance. That’s about it.”
Gloria looked at the others, “I’d like to do it. I can book shows and set up flights and rooms and keep him safe. It would be an honor. We five were the first five and will be in the history books. I’d like to keep it going. Pam, do you want to come with us?”
Pam nodded and began shuffling hours and hours of tapes into a different bag for Rachel and the team to take back to the studio to make their stories. Gloria and I talked about what to do and she began making calls.
Rachel is a connect-the-dots reporter. She was itching to go, almost snapping her fingers in her excitement to get to the airport and the flight back to her studios. When I was asked what things to be interested in, this is what I gave her to look into.
Genesis 3:15 (God speaking to the serpent)
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
And since woman does not have seed, connect this with …
1 Peter 1:23
Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever.
And one other thing which is two. The bible describes a living soul as breath life. This very well could have an impact on our current ideas of abortion. And, second, if God gives us free will, why does the government try to take away a woman’s free will? Is that not a sin?
She hugged me before she left.
For the moment, I was an unknown. In about twelve hours, my face would be splashed on screens all over the world. People would be interested, people would deny, people would be hungry for more.
For my part, I felt that I was “burning hot”. The new testament talks about the leaders in the church as apostles, evangelists, pastors, teachers and prophets. At this moment, I was all five.
An apostle is someone who brings new light to God’s word. That was my primary goal. As an evangelist, my voice would be heard clearly even to the back of the room without raising it. Teaching and caring for the people would work but I had no idea about prophecy. My charisma was cranked up and words would come easily.
The Apostle Paul may have been the greatest apostle. He was burning hot for over twenty years. Then he made a mistake. He went to Jerusalem after God told him not to, Paul wanted to show his faith to the world. After he got tossed in prison, he was no longer an apostle. He was still a Christian and all the way to the last book in the Book of Acts, Paul is healing and spreading the word of God.
I’d not last twenty years as an apostle. For one thing, I didn’t really want it. And, also, I knew I’d screw up somewhere at some time. Until then, I’d do my best to fill the role needed by God and his children.
Gloria got us rooms in Los Angeles and we flew first class. Everything in my life would be the VIP treatment. She knew that the upcoming reports by Rachel, Brian and Joy would be very big ratings. The station would make a lot of money. Once the news hit, she’d book us on the Jimmy Kimmel show.
Los Angeles. I never thought that I’d return. Almost half of my life was spent in this city. The heat hit me on the sidewalk while waiting for the taxi and I could feel the urge to start every sentence with “dude”.
In our rooms that night, we watched the shows. The network had been running ads and using twitter to announce that they had the news on how the miracles had happened in the children’s wards.
Rachel went first with the news that the Christian God was in action, Brian followed with my interview and then they had a round table on the third hour. Joy would do her show in her normal time slot in the morning, which she slipped into the conversation a lot.
Gloria told me that the ratings were huge. There was a buzz as it spread to the other news outlets all over the world. She called the producers of Jimmy Kimmel and got me booked for the next day.
Walt Disney Hall is fairly new, at least in my mind. In the back corner is another small theater and I did shows there twice a year since the venue opened. About four blocks away, over the highway and into the neighborhoods is a barbeque place.
Texas BBQ, there is a small shack where you do business through a little window helmed by a little old lady. Outside and to the back are the halved fifty-five gallon drums converted into grills. Patrons sit at long picnic style tables under a big red tarp. The food is great and I love their peach cobbler.
It was easy, Gloria called the main desk at the hotel and we had some delivered. When you get to Los Angeles, there are a lot of places to eat but sometimes visiting old favorite food is too.
Famous people have been shuffling around Los Angeles without being seen for a very long time. There are experts at it. Getting to the Jimmy Kimmel show by four o’clock for the four-thirty recording was easy; we took a limo to the back door of the theater.
Union stagehands have been rubbing elbows with the famous forever. They were not impressed by me or at least didn’t show it. Jimmy’s guest that night was going to be bumped, they were told as a courtesy why and, sure enough, Kate Winslet insisted on being there anyways. She wanted to meet me.
How cool to meet one of my favorite actresses! After the monologue, Jimmy introduced me and I walked on with Kate. She was happy to sit on the couch. I was famous now in a big way, the audience was stunned and then began to cheer.
During the interview, I made sure that Romans 10:9 was repeated. I encouraged people to read their Bible first before asking someone to lead them. It went really fast. We had some fun too. We did the ziggy-zaggy thing from the Man Show and drank a beer.
I drank Budweiser and their stock would zoom up and gave their management ideas of giving me a farm in Kentucky with Clydesdale horses running about. I told Jimmy that I played World of Warcraft and I knew that their stock would zoom up.
Then, I asked Jimmy if he wanted to keep it going. He eagerly said “sure!”. I told the audience that I would walk among them and heal them, please stay seated and know that it is the power of God, not me.
The houselights went up and the cameras followed me as I walked row after row, touching and thanking God in the name of the Jesus Christ for healing. Healing is always a miracle but we had a new thing happen; we began to glow in a golden light.
Feeling a bit like a magician in Las Vegas, I stood on stage and asked the Stage Manager if half the crew could come down and keep the show running and then reverse and repeat. On this day, everyone wanted to do it. The cameras rolled as I moved through every person in the theater. Then I ended it with Kate and Jimmy, as I prayed to God; you could see them lose weight, their skin become more supple, their backs straightened as their ailments all faded away. We all glowed and it was a miracle moment in the theater that would be broadcast that night.
Soon enough I was back in the limo going back to my rooms. Very few people would know that I was in Los Angeles but word would spread and Jimmy’s show would be very highly rated.
One question he asked me during the interview had to be explained. He asked me what my family and friends thought of my sudden and amazing journey. I told him that I’d not spoken with my family. Jesus Christ said in Mark 6:4 and in other places, “A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and amoung his own kin, and in his own house”. This means that my family knew me before and knew my life and they’d never get over the hurdle that it was me. Even Jesus Christ has to leave his hometown to begin to reach people on the word and power of God. That’s not to say that I’d ignore them, they are my family!
New York City. I’d be on the Jimmy Fallon show. This time we flew on a chartered jet, there was intense interest in finding me for all kinds of reasons. I knew that I would hate the rock star life. Andy Warhol and Truman Capote loved it, they went to Studio 54 and places like that. I’d prefer to be wearing headphones in my apartment and playing WoW.
Mirba is a friend of mine but I’ve never seen her nor do I know her real name. We’ve played in WoW for almost eight years. She lives in Manhattan and gave me the heads up on Hamilton before it reached Broadway. I borrowed Pam’s computer while on the jet, she’d been using her camera full time and I was pretty sure that she’d make a documentary or something.
Getting onto Discord was no problem, it is the chat program that we use in WoW. I got Mirba and asked her if she wanted to be on the Jimmy Fallon show. She said yes and didn’t even ask the circumstances. I told her to expect a limo at 3pm.
In the limo, we picked up Mirba. We introduced ourselves using our real names. I think that this kind of relationship gets past the “prophet is not without honor” thing. She was in awe that it was me who’d put the world in such a frenzy.
When Jimmy Fallon introduced me, I brought Mirba onto the show with me. She was star struck and excited. Like the last show, the bumped guest insisted on sitting on the couch. This time it was Tom Cruise. I got to introduce Mirba to the world and said that she needed a job. I was sure that she’d get many offers now!
During the interview, I had an idea. I asked Jimmy if he wanted to come with me and he said yes. Turning to Mirba, I said, “Interview Tom while we are gone.” All Mirba had to do was say hello and Tom, an old expert, did his guest stuff.
I took Jimmy’s hand and pulled him from the chair to a spot by a river.
“Where are we?” he asked, amazed.
“The Yellow River in China. Probably the eighth largest river system in the world and one third of it is so polluted that the water can’t be used even for industrial purposes. Come with me.”
I took him by the hand and we walked on the water to the center of the very big river. I crouched and put one finger into the water and you could see it like a big spreading Vee: the water was pure.
“I could sit here all day thanking God for cleaning up this pollution. And we’d get clean water for a while. But the pollution keeps coming upstream and downstream. It is non-stop, it is man that needs to do something about it. I hope that you’ll use your platform on television to help.”
That night in my suite, Mirba ordered up some food from a Greek restaurant that she’s been bragging about for years. It is a small restaurant and not far from our rooms. And she was right, the food was great.
We decided to wait a week to do the Stephan Colbert show. My fund me site had capped and the over-flow was going to the Red Cross. The news was about me but also the spreading understanding of applying the art form of Minimalism to Christianity. If a magazine had my picture on it, it was sure to sell. Kind of crazy, no?
It is pleasing how intact Christianity has been to be delivered in this day, two thousand years after the start. The King James Version of the Bible was printed in 1611 and can be found in any bookstore, at least in America. The church system has kept people involved in good services. The idea of “church” fits well into my own belief in a life of service.
One reason that I picked Rachel, Joy and Brian was that the late night talk show hosts are terrible at the interview. They mostly wait until they can jump in with some wise crack. The Stephan Colbert show would be no different.
Stephan, “Welcome. So, when is Jesus coming back and how can I book Him on the show?”
Me, “So, Stephan, how is the Catholic church working out?”
The interview was the same as ever. Some odd questions about me and myself always moving towards the message from God. This time I asked Stephan if he wanted to come with me and he said yes.
“Where are we?”
It was night time and dark out. We were standing in the fields of North Korea. The dictator encouraged his people to use their own feces as fertilizer and a lot of people had some really bad problems. Along with sanctions and a short growing season, the country was in a bad way.
I asked God to stop time. With Stephan beside me, we super-ran across the fields with our arms out. The crops were healed as we ran past and through the fields. We raced back and forth and the fields had fertile soil. North Korea would eat well, at least for a while. He followed me as we raced up and down the rivers, cleaning the pollution.
I told Stephan that Christians can help with crops and starvation and feeding the people but mankind must do more, everyday on this planet we throw away one-third of our food; every single day. I told him that I hoped that he’d use his platform on television to encourage an end to world hunger.
My brief tour was done. I thanked Gloria and Pam for helping me. There was news of a few new Christians popping up in Argentina and doing healing in hospitals. I was sure that more and more would figure it out.
I asked God to find me an expert on ecology and eco-systems and terra-forming and I was surprised to step into the office of a game designer. Her name was Judith (call me Judy) Burtram. She recognized me and I asked her if she wanted to go on an adventure with me. She said yes.
I told her to not be afraid, we were going to Mars.
We stepped onto the rocky planet. God protected us just like if we’d been swallowed by a whale. Everything that I’ve written about has happened in the Bible. I felt Judy get jumpy and I held her arm and smiled. I mimed blowing air.
Together we blew air and watched as our tiny breath changed into a kind of wind. The wind blew across the entire planet, slowly expanding and expanding until Mars had an atmosphere. I spit on the ground. Judy spit on the ground. We watched as our spit turned into a puddle and then a pond and then flowed over into a stream and then a river.
I asked Judy, “What does a planet need for man to settle nicely after coming from Earth?”
Judy grew solemn, this was serious stuff.
“Well, we need grass.”
I squatted and ran my hand through the water and sprinkled the earth at my feet. Grass began to grow and spread up over the hills and the land became fertile. It looked like the lawn in front of my house.
“Diversity, a lot more diversity. Corn, wheat, rice, ryegrass, bamboo, barley.”
I knelt again and took mud and breathed life into a bird which split into a flock of birds. They took to the grasses and pulled them and then flew off in every direction.
“Trees for the planet, lets make it beautiful,” her eyes were shining with the enormous scale of the project and the power of God. “Elm, oak, pines, dogwood” she rattled on a list. A much larger handful of mud and much larger birds flew off with grass in their beaks.
“Earth is mostly ocean. We need a big salt water ocean with currents and tides and whales and sharks and to create weather patterns.”
I turned my back to her and pissed in the water. We walked up hill, back back back, and watched the water expand and expand. Now we had fresh water streams flowing down into the ocean and we saw our first clouds.
I looked at Judy, “Should we have cows and horses and buffalo and giraffes? Maybe expect Earth to send what it wants?”
“Can we please have some dinosaurs?”
She helped me make little mud figurines of different dinosaurs. I got down on my knees and breathed on them. Again, we backed way up and watched as they expanded into huge creatures who paired up, male and female, and walked off through the grasslands.
“I think that the people of Earth would love to come to this planet and live a new life.” she said.
I added, “I hope that we stop fighting over territory back home.”
I held my hand out, “Come with?”
We stepped onto Ganymede.
Ganymede is a moon of Jupiter. It is larger than the planet Mercury and scientists and science fiction writers have often chosen this moon as a possible place for man to live in the far future.
Once again, we repeated the process that we did on Mars. Preparing a planet for the future migration of the people of Earth. Beautiful grasslands, oceans and volcanos, unusual beasts; this planet would feel a bit alien but would be welcoming to man. God gave it gravity and an atmosphere and it already had it’s own water.
“Once more, Judy?”
She was with me now and understood that we were planning for the future of our people. We stepped onto a planet, it looked and felt like Earth.
“Where are we?”
“I have no idea. I asked God to take us to the next best place.”
How bright the stars were and we must’ve been light years away from our solar system.
Judy built her dream planet with the help of God. It might be hundreds of years before man came to this place but one can only hope that man could get this far.
Finally done, I helped Judy step back into her office back on Planet Earth but I stayed behind. I walked along the river and found a stick. I took some long strands of grass and wove them together as I walked. Finally I found the perfect boulder in the perfect shade with the perfect breeze.
I decided to sit down and fish for a while.
One thought on “One Time With God”
Ho, ho, this is awesome! I laughed out loud when Rachel was sprinkled w charisma. Needed. I’m wondering when you can step over to Boise. I’m having a little trouble with my sciatica…
This is a tour de farce, and more!
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