“I made mistakes in drama. I thought drama was when actors cried. But drama is when the audience cries.”
Frank Capra
True Horror
If Frank Capra and John Hughes got together to write a horror film, they’d not do zombies. That is for children. They’d not do slasher or be silent or have a Chucky doll come to life. That’s for amateurs.
They would create the true scary movie called the Hallmark Parents.
Hallmark movies on the surface are vapid love stories that end with a kiss. Look a little deeper, my friends and you will see the face of true evil.
Imagine our heroine, a successful New York Fashion Designer who is living her passion. She is up for a big promotion and a move to Paris, the City of Lights. But, her Dad fakes a foot injury so that she’ll come home to save his pumpkin farm and compete in the annual Pumpkin Harvest Festival pie contest.
That is the stuff of nightmares.
Mom: You should sing in the Christmas Hullaballoo.
Her: Mom, you know I don’t sing any more, not since high school.
Mom: Your dead father loved to hear you sing.
Her: Okay, Mom, I’ll do it.
Mom: Good, I invited your old boyfriend.
That is wicked and malicious.
Selfish, manipulative, greedy and with no thought to the child’s life. Suddenly entered in the barbeque contest so Mom can pair her up with a famous chef who will give up his job and they both will live miserably ever after in a small town who doesn’t know kosher salt from cayenne peppers. Doomed to endlessly make Mom’s famous snowman cookies with powdered sugar.
Dante’s twenty-fourth level of Hell, I tell ya.
You will be shocked! Cinderella’s step mother has a soft heart compared to these guys. Hannibal Lecter is transparent. Jack Nicholson would have to dial it up to play in a Hallmark movie as a parent.
But, Judy, it’s Christmas!
(shiver)
They need to rename their movies so we don’t get so frightened. We should have been warned by the title.
The Guilt of Christmas
The Curse of the Family Farm
The High School Homecoming that Never Ends
Forgiving the Shithead who Dumped You Three Times Again
How to Lose a Career and Win a Cookie Contest
Santa Says
How to Intimidate Your Child for Forty Years
It’s Not Your Dream, It Is My Future Grandchild
It really is only for the fearless to watch the best horror show ever.
The Profound Bartender 